Julie Rainbow – Standing The Test of Time

©2009 Julie Rainbow All Rights Reserved

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For African Americans, our history has borne witness to our willingness to love at all costs. We have jumped the broom to love that has reached the stars and returned to earth, a place that can become heaven when we love with all our hearts. Stories like those told in the collection, Standing the Test of Time: Love Stories of African American Elders, by Julie Rainbow remind us that we are worthy of the rich and long-lasting love we seek if we are willing to engage ourselves fully in the process with God, our families and our communities by our side.

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via Julie Rainbow – Author, Playwright, Oral Historian.

 

“Dear Daddy” documentary: the life long effects of fatherlessness on Black women

Innerstanding Isness

WHY IS THIS THE CRITICAL ISSUE?

82.3% is the number of African American children born since 1990 that will not live in the same home as their biological fathers before graduating High School. Today, a generation of African American youth, have not had sustained access to positive paternal or male role models. Consequently, the concept of a residential father is often too removed from these children’s reality. Many of us know the statistics; too many of us have attempted to affect the multiple social, economic and educational dilemmas facing the African American community. Through outreach media, iYAGO Entertainment Group has dedicated its works to familial reconciliation and healing.

WHAT IS DEAR DADDY ABOUT?

Dear Daddy is a feature length documentary about the life long effects of fatherlessness on women. The film follows the dramatic journeys of eight young women from the tough city streets of Washington, DC as they struggle…

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Getting the Most out of Couples Therapy

How to get the most out of couples therapy: you have made an important choice: to invest in the improvement of your relationship. By developing appropriate expectations and following a few suggestions, your investment in couples therapy can reap great rewards. This document is designed to help you get the most benefit from our work together.

In couples therapy, both the clients and the therapist have jobs to do. Your job is to create your own individual objectives for being in therapy. Like a good coach, my job is to help you reach them. I have many, many tools to help you become a more effective partner – and my tools work best when you are clear about how you aspire to be. My goal is to help each of you make better adjustments and responses to each other without violating your core values or deeply-held principles.

Goals of Couples Therapy
Your initial tasks will be to increase your clarity about:

  • The kind of life you want to build together
  • The kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life you want together
  • Your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be
  • The skills and knowledge necessary to reach your goals

To create and sustain improvement in your relationship requires:

  • A vision of the life you want to build together and individually
  • The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team
  • The motivation to persist
  • Sustained effort
  • Time to review progress and make adjustments as necessary

Tradeoffs
To create the relationship you really desire, there will be some difficult tradeoffs and tough choices for each of you. Here are a few you can expect.

Time Investment
It simply takes time to create a relationship that flourishes, time to be together, play, coordinate, nurture, relax, hang out, plan, etc.

Discomfort
Expect emotional discomfort, as it is always part of the growth process. In therapy you will try novel ways of thinking and behaving, like listening and being curious instead of interrupting your partner, and speaking up instead of becoming resentfully compliant or withdrawing..

Expending Energy
It simply takes effort to sustain improvement over time.  It will require effort to remember to be more respectful, more giving, more appreciative, etc.

Getting the Most from Your Sessions
By following these suggestions, you can make the best use of your time in therapy.

There are several mistakes couples often make in therapy. The first is showing up without a plan.

The second is the stream-of-consciousness approach. This happens when the focus of the session is on whatever happens to be on your mind at that moment.

The third is discussing the fight of the moment or the fight you had since the last session. Discussing these fights without also discussing what you wish to learn from them is often an exercise in spinning your wheels.

Here is a more useful approach to your sessions. Before every meeting, both of you should:

  • Reflect on your goals for being in therapy
  • Think about the next step you want to take to get closer to reaching your goals
  • Be ready to discuss the outcome of your completed homework
  • Give Your Success a Chance

It Takes Two
The blunt reality is that therapy requires time, patience, effort, and commitment from both partners.

Embrace Change
When it comes to improving your relationship, expecting and accepting change will take you far. While change can be scary, it is only through change that you can reach your goals.

Improve Your Relationship by Improving Yourself
It is typical for clients to begin therapy with the goal of changing their partners. You may think “if only she would stop doing ____” or “if only he would start doing ____ then everything would be fine.”  If you want to have a better partner, you need to be a better partner.

Things to Think About
Finally, in this section I’ve included some things for you to think about. These ideas may help you better understand your problem, provide you with language to help you discuss your problem, or help you articulate your goals.

Getting Real
Marriages (and businesses) fail for the same three reasons. A failure to:

  • Learn from the past
  • Adapt to changing conditions
  • Predict probable future problems and take preventative action

Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her?

The hardest part of therapy is accepting you will need to improve your response to a problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do about it).

Communication
The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence.

It is essential for you to let your partner know what you think, feel and are concerned about. Partners can’t appreciate what they don’t understand, and people cannot read each other’s minds.

Most of the ineffective things we do in relationships fall into just a few categories:

  • Blame or attempt to dominate
  • Disengage / withdraw
  • Become resentfully compliant
  • Whine
  • Denial or confusion

Effective communication means paying attention to:

  • Managing unruly emotions, such as intense anger
  • How you are communicating – whining, blaming, being vague, etc.
  • What you want from your partner during the discussion
  • What the problem symbolizes to you
  • The outcome you want from the discussion
  • Your partner’s major concerns
  • How you can help your partner become more responsive to you
  • The beliefs and attitudes you have about the problem

adapted from “How To Get The Most From Couples Therapy” by Ellen Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D. http://www.couplesinstitute.com

Anne Aja, Ed.D.

Intimate Relationship as Spiritual Crucible

John Welwood

While most people would like healthy, satisfying relationships in their lives, the truth is that everyone has a hard time with intimate partnerships. The poet Rilke understood just how challenging they could be when he penned his classic statement, “For one person to love another, this is the most difficult of all our tasks.” Rilke isn’t suggesting it’s hard to love or to have lovingkindness. Rather, he is speaking about how hard it is to keep loving someone we live with, day by day, year after year. After numerous hardships and failures, many people have given up on intimate relationship, regarding the relational terrain as so fraught with romantic illusion and emotional hazards as to be no longer worth the energy.
Although modern relationships are particularly challenging, their very difficulty also presents a special arena for personal and spiritual growth. To develop more conscious relationships requires becoming conversant with how three different dimensions of human existence play out within them: ego, person, and being. Every close relationship involves these three levels of interaction that two partners cycle through— ego to ego, person to person, and being to being. While one moment two people may be connecting being-to-being in pure openness, the next moment their two egos may fall into deadly combat. When our partners treat us nicely, we open—“Ah, you’re so great.” But when they say or do something threatening, it’s “How did I wind up with you?” Since it can be terribly confusing or devastating when the love of our life suddenly turns into our deadliest enemy, it’s important to hold a larger vision that allows us to understand what is happening here.
RELATIONSHIP AS ALCHEMY
When we fall in love, this usually ushers in a special period with its own distinctive glow and magic. Glimpsing another person’s beauty and feeling our heart opening in response provides a taste of absolute love, a pure blend of openness and warmth. This being-to-being connection reveals pure gold at the heart of our nature — qualities like beauty, delight, awe, deep passion and kindness, generosity, tenderness, and joy. (Read the rest of this article at:)
http://www.johnwelwood.com/